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Beautiful Downtown Mooburg — A Great Place to Raise a Calf
in an Aardvark-free Environment


Yes. Beautiful Mooburg (formerly West Aardvark), where the hamburgers are all made of chicken. Just the place to start a new business, retire, or just find a place to settle down to raise a family in a town that is guaranteed 100 percent free of aardvarks.

If you're a businessperson, take a look at our Mooburg Business Park — much more than just a field full of weeds and a festering pool of dioxin and PCBs.

Retired people will thrill to Mooburg's Paraplegic Supplies Wonderland — everything you need, from bedpans to walkers, right in the heart of downtown. Just a stone's throw from the Mooburg Strip Mall, where golden agers are welcome to walk as long as they buy something within 15 minutes.

If you're just passing through the Moo Valley tourist district, Mooburg is a place you'll want to put at the top of your travelling agenda. We have a barn full of attractions you won't want to miss. Visit the Mooburg Cud Mines, world-famous as the second-largest available source of cud. Take a tour of the mine, and don't forget to stop in at the gift shop for knicknacks for the friends at home, and free samples of cud!

If you have a sweet tooth, the town's Marshmallow Factory should be at the top of your list. Take home a bottle of marshmallow wine, jars of marshmallow preserves — and the kiddies won't want to leave until they've had a romp in marshmallow bin.

And what tour can be considered complete without the obligatory historical landmark? Visit the town's Jute Mill, where traditional jute bags are imported from China, just as they were back at the turn of the century.

But the top spot on your vacation will undoubtedly go to the Mad Cow Theme Park — 15 acres of everything you ever wanted to know about bovine diseases, including Bovine Rhinotracheitis-Virus, Blackleg, and Leptospira canicola-grippotyphosa-hardjo-icterohaemorrhagiae-pomona. Not to mention the ever-popular bovine spongiform encephalopathy! And take a ride in the next-generation Dutch Milking Machine, just imported from the Netherlands. Guaranteed to produce contented udders!

If you're in town during the last week in August, drop in on the annual Milkmaid Festival. Join in the world-famous ritual aardvark stoning pageant. The whole family will enjoy the milking races, and silage derbies. And who could forget the free-for-all manure forking fights?

Unforgettable historic Mooburg — home of the world's largest aardvark-free zone. Just a small drive out of your way, and a little bit stuck in your craw.

City Council Notes:

At last Tuesday's City Council meeting, Mayor Bull moved that a team of citizens be dispatched to New Salem, North Dakota to steal
Salem Sue, the world's largest Holstein cow. The motion was seconded and passed.
Greetings from the Mayor
Mayor Fred J. Bull
  Let me take this opportunity to extend to you, our esteemed tourists, a heartfelt welcome as you visit our fair city. And when I say "welcome" I mean in particular your money, because by and large most of you are smarmy little complainers who can't moo your way out of a...   
Continued on page two
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  Number of tourists our Mayor has insulted this week:  
Hollow cow scare hits Tokyo
 This just in. Mysterious hollow cows are springing up just about everywhere in the streets of Tokyo. Local residents fear the cows may explode. "They are all hollow fiberglass statues and would make mighty good places to hide bombs" says one local citizen.
Mooburg Citizens Register Outrage at
Exploding Cow Urban Myth
 The Mooburg Chamber of Commerce want to go on record right now in protesting the outrage in cow defamation incorporated in the attached web page. The CofC wants to assure all Mooburg citizens that at no time has a Mooburg cow inadvertantly set fire to any barns or burned down any milking areas. Nor are there animal parts raining down in any area of municipal Moo Valley (except in the vicinity of Cud Street West and Silage, and only on Wednesdays).

"The Cow is of the bovine ilk. One end is moo; the other, milk."

— Ogden Nash