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What follows is the movie, word for word. Narration performed by George Burns, and the action, songs, subtitles and (minimal) dialogue that accompany it. If (for some odd reason) you want to print it out, it's approximately 10-12 pages.

KEY:

ST= Subtitle that appears onscreen in scene

Dialogue is in blue.

Stage directions, action, and character names are in black.

Sound links are underlined. Sound formats on sound page. They are 8 mHz and should auto-play on your browser when clicked.

The movie opens on soldiers fighting [ST "The tiny village of Fleu de Coup"]

MR. KITE (George Burns): The war to end all wars did not end soon enough, so Heartland USA sent the allies its most effective secret weapon...Sgt. Pepper, and his Lonely Heart's Club Band.

We hear a marching band version of the Theme Song, we see the band marching through the town. The soldiers lay down their arms and listen.

For music above and beyond the call of duty, Sgt. Pepper was awarded the coveted Golden Eagle (official version of Theme plays). Heartland was proud of its famous sergeant, but more than that they delighted in knowing that he remained a good, simple small town boy. Every time Sgt.Pepper played the world danced. They danced through the roaring 20's (flapper version of Theme is played - Heartland flappers dance),
...the depression
(square dance version),
...economic recovery
(soft band version, affluent Heartlanders dance),
...and yet another great war
(version a la Bugle Boy of Co. B, SPLHCB & three women dancers entertain the troops).
And for some 50-odd years, Heartland's feet tapped to the beat of Sgt. Pepper's magical music. How do you honor someone who had done so much to make so many people so happy? Heartland decided to erect a Sgt. Pepper weather vane on top of our city hall. It would always point the way to happiness. And as mayor, I presided over the ceremony. At the end, Sgt. pepper assured us that he would play us one more tune.
(we see the unveiling ceremony, Sgt. Pepper has a heart attack playing the opening line of Theme and falls over, dead).
Ah well. August 10, 1958. A day none of us will ever forget. To the town of Heartland, he left his musical instruments. These instruments have the power to make dreams come true, and as long as they remained in Heartland's care, humanity would live happily forever after. Sgt. Pepper left his wholesome grandson, Billy Shears, his cherished Golden Eagle. This made Billy's stepbrother, the greedy Dougie Shears, very jealous indeed
(we see a young Billy receive the medal, a young Dougie sticks his tongue out at Billy).
Sgt. Pepper then asked Billy to form a new Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band. This band would feature Billy's three best friends; Mark, Dave & Bob Henderson
(we see the three as boys).
We wondered if there would ever be a new Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band, and we wondered what the new band would sound like. Dougie appointed himself their business manager and introduced the band in his own unique way.

The Theme (soundtrack version) begins. Introduction ("20 yrs. ago today...") by Paul Nicholas as DOUGIE. The Bee Gees sing Sgt. Pepper's Theme as the HENDERSONS/ LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND. As Dougie sells glossies of the band, BILLY (Peter Frampton) kisses his girlfriend, STRAWBERRY (Sandy Farina), and runs to the stage to sing "A Little Help from My Friends". The crowd loves them. Dougie tries to hit on Strawberry, she pushes him away and goes to stand on the gazebo with the band to watch them perform.

MR. KITE: Heartland loved the boys, and the boys loved music. Billy & Strawberry loved each other. And Dougie loved making money. But on that memorable day a telegram arrived that was destined to change their lives. (an elderly Western Union Messenger arrives on bicycle)

DAVE (in MR. KITE's voice): It came from B.D. Hoffler (Brockhurst?), the president of Big Deal Records, world's largest, most successful record company. "We hear your music is great, stop. We need a tape of your songs and we need it now, stop. And if we like your music, we'll make you superstars and the money will never stop, stop. Signed B.D. Hoffler, Hollywood"

The crowd cheers.

MR. KITE: A long, long way from Heartland. How about that, superstars from Heartland. Who could be more deserving? Wouldn't Sgt. Pepper be proud? Just think, superstars...who could be more deserving...hmm...

A daydream sequence begins, MR. KITE sings "Fixing a Hole" to the town, just like the Band did. Then he sings for real, singing to and with two 7 yr. old girls. The closing count off leads into...

DAVE (counting off): 1--2--1-2-3-4
to SPLHCB in a barn with a tape deck, doing "Getting Better, a false start at first due to feedback trouble, but then the full version, over which we see a bus arrive into town, [ST "ENTER MR. MUSTARD, AN EVIL EX-REAL ESTATE AGENT."] The weather vane points in the opposite direction, and Mr. Kite, sensing danger, picks up a billy club. Inside the bus/van, we see Mr. Mustard (Frankie Howerd) looking at the band through a telescope, then turning on a big screen, focusing on Strawberry [ST "TRUE LOVE."]. The screen dissolves, and a computer voice demands as the words appear:

FVB: Keep your mind on business. Take over Heartland. (sound file hunters note: these are two seperate quotes)

COMPUTERETTES (Mustard types into one Computerette's keyboard/chest): Why?

FVB (as words appear on the screen): We hate love, we hate joy, we love money...money...money...money

Song continues as we see B.D. and LUCY & the DIAMONDS (Donald Pleasence, Dianne Steinberg, and Stargard) getting the band's press packet in LA, dancing to their music and filing their promo photo, when Lucy points out to the Diamonds that Billy is hers.

Song ends, and the Western Union guy pulls up to the barn on a boat (the barn apparently sits on the bank of a pond). Billy reads the telegram.

MR. KITE: Big Deal lost no time in responding. The telegram read:

BILLY (with MR. KITE's V.O): "B.D. loves your music, B.D. loves you. Expects you in Hollywood tomorrow, signed B.D."

MR. KITE: Everybody was happy. But Strawberry realized that she and Billy would be separated for the first time in their young lives. There was barely time for tender farewells.

Instrumental "Long and Winding Road" plays as we see Billy and Strawberry at sunset. Then "Here Comes the Sun", sung by Strawberry, as they awake in the barn and leave for the hot air balloon to take the band to Hollywood. Everyone is there to see them off, and Billy and Strawberry are late.

The Hendersons are waiting, Bob's sick and throwing up. They get there, kiss goodbye, and the band board the balloon and are off. In air, B.D.'s lear jet intercepts them, and takes them to a smog-covered L.A. [ST "City of Angels?"]

The jet lands, "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" begins. B.D. is on the landing pad with his limo, with Lucy as the chauffeur. B.D. sings the first verse to the band and Dougie. Lucy sings the second verse to Billy. Dougie sings the third verse to Lucy. SPLHCB sing "She's so heavy" to biker chicks who turn out to be Lucy & the Diamonds (they will appear all over town during the solo, as hookers, mannequins, etc). They arrive at B.D.'s [ST "A modest townhouse"]. B.D. gives Dougie cash (palm-greasing?). Lucy & the Diamonds [L&D] are lounging in swimsuits around the pool, enticing the band, who join them. Lucy (now a photographer), calls them to take promo shot of them in front of a Heartland backdrop. The boys come behind the camera to her and flirt with her, singing "She's so heavy". The scene then switches to a wild dinner party inside. B.D. spares no expense in wining and dining them to get them to sign his extensive contract. Dougie signs with no coercion (now we know what the money was for!). Mark (Barry Gibb) being given coke & pot by the Diamonds, signs under the influence. Bob (Robin Gibb) signs 'cause he's being fed so well. Dave (Maurice Gibb) is drunk, and B.D. signs for him as he passes out. Billy, who declined at first, is given a drink that B.D. has spiked with acid, and he has intense hallucinations, during which Lucy leads him to the bedroom to a record-shaped, rotating waterbed, rolls out a hallucinatorily large contract and hands Billy an overgrown pen. Billy signs, and they get it on.

[ST "The next morning, the band begins their difficult one-week climb from obscurity to stardom"] "Good Morning" begins as the band emerges from the hotel, extremely hung over, and get in the limo. Dougie is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as he posts placards advertising the band. They go into the studio to record. A printing plant prints up their LP covers. The band arrives at Tower Records on Sunset Blvd., where groupies chase them inside.

A TV sequence begins, following their "Rise to Stardom."

TV ANNOUNCER: And now, to cool the pace, the B.D. Big Disco show brings you Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Band sings "Nowhere Man" on TV. Next, they appear at The Forum, with a marquee advertising strings of sold-out dates, singing "Polythene Pam," during which a groupie makes it onstage to kiss Mark (he loves it!), and "She Came in Through the Bathroom Window."

TV ANNOUNCER: B.D. TV proudly presents, "The Sgt. Pepper Special"

Band does "Sgt. Pepper (Finale)" for screaming crowds. Heartland is watching in the Fields' living room on a large screen TV. Strawberry sees all the groupies screaming for her guy, gets melancholy, and goes to her room to hug a picture of Billy, while "Long and Winding Road" (sung by Billy) plays.

[ST "MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN"] Computerettes sing "Mean Mr. Mustard" while giving him a massage. He agrees with them that he's a "mean, dirty old man", when the screen activates

FVB: Steal the instruments.

Mr. Mustard and his assistant, THE BRUTE, sneak into city hall as per FVB's orders, and steal the instruments, leaving Mr. Kite roughed-up and tied up on the floor.

FVB: Take the coronet to Dr. Maxwell. Take the tuba to Father Sun. Bring the saxophone to me, FVB. Keep the drum for yourself.

The Brute makes the deliveries on his motorcycle and sidecar. As Mustard's van drives through town, Heartland becomes a den of scum [ST "HEARTLAND SEES ITS DARKEST HOUR"], with arcades, casinos, by-the-hour motels, frequented by prostitutes, junkies, and other undesirables, left in the van's wake.

The next morning, "She's Leaving Home" starts, with Strawberry acting out the song, leaving home to find Billy. Her parents wake to her note as she's picking her way to the bus stop through litter and drunks. The Computerettes watch her on their surveillance screen, and make several attempts to wake Mustard.

COMPUTERETTES: Wake up, Mr. Mustard. Wake up...wake up..wake up...etc (they smack him on the head with his cane) Look, Strawberry is leaving.

He awakes just as her bus pulls out of town. He wakes up the Brute in the front seat to chase her.

Her bus arrives on Sunset Blvd., where she gets off and sees two billboards right next to each other, one of SPLHCB, the other of L&D. She imagines the billboards come to life, "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" sung by L&D, who sing alluringly, the SPLHCB ad pops to life, the boys taken with L&D. The two acts join in a seductive dance on L&D's ad.

The bus doors close, and when Strawberry turns back to the billboards, they are back to normal.

SPLHCB are in the studio, recording "Oh! Darling", when Strawberry arrives and sees Lucy & Billy exchange air kisses. Strawberry then argues with Dougie and explains to Billy the troubles in Heartland since they left. He then gets the other band members. They go out to Mustard's bus, and steal it.

MR. KITE: Well, while Mustard roamed through the building looking for Strawberry, she and her Heartland friends dashed to the van and captured it. Now, the question is: Could the boys discover how to use this computerized link to FVB to help recover the lost instruments?

Bob drives as the band figures the system out.

COMPUTERETTES: Turn on the big screen

They do.

FVB: Take the coronet to Dr. Maxwell

MR. KITE: Dr. Maxwell, a small time quack who became a big time specialist, turning ugly old corrupt people into handsome young corrupt people.

We arrive at Dr. Maxwell's before they do, and we see his laboratory, a chop shop for plastic surgery at discount rates. DR. MAXWELL EDISON (Steve Martin) sings "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" while converting old people to young people (with his magic "Silver Hammer") who are basically automotons for FVB. The band arrives as he cavorts with the prettier creations, singing sillily. He sees them, screams like Mothra, and a fight ensues between the band and FVB's army (newly converted by Dr. Maxwell). Maxwell and Billy sword fight á la Star Wars (complete with light saber noises), until Maxwell hypnotizes Billy into submission with his silver hammer activator pins (?). Billy passes out. Strawberry hides under the desk with the coronet as Maxwell makes his escape. They revive Billy and rejoice in their first victory.

MR. KITE: Well, they had Sgt. Pepper's silver coronet. One down, three to go. Jubilant, they returned to the computerettes for additional guidance.

SPLHCB are back in the van.

COMPUTERETTES: One down, three to go.

Billy finds the drum, comedic schitck ensues.

MR. KITE: The bass drum was easy, Mustard left it, Billy found it. Just like that.

COMPUTERETTES: Congratulations. Two down, two to go.

They hug and jump, Dave goes to hug Mark, who stops him, looking disapprovingly. Dave goes back to the computer, "fairy-like."

MR. KITE: They hugged each other and jumped for joy...some of them. Let's go back to work. There's still two instruments missing.

FVB: Take the tuba to Father Sun

MR. KITE: Marvin Sunk, now known as Father Sun, was an unemployed school crossing guard at the bottom of his life, when he suddenly got the idea to drop the "K" from his last name. Well that move lit up his life and it's been uphill ever since. He decided to go into the media business, and help destroy the minds of those young people who teased him on their way to school. Now he was busy brainwashing them for FVB to build an army to take over the world.

We open on FATHER SUN (Alice Cooper), watching a boxing match and eating a sandwich, while setting up the multimedia presentation for the uniformed kids in the next room. This presentation is "Because," sung by Sun. As the song begins, the kids chant the FVB mantra.

FVB KIDS: We hate love, we hate joy, we love money (4x)

Half way through the song, our heroes enter the classroom through a vent, crawl through the class, and Dave turns up the volume to deafen the kids so they can't fight back. Sun puts up a fight, Mark knocks him out, Bob gets the tuba as Billy turns off the electronic security, and electrocutes himself, passing out once again.

MR. KITE: Could Billy survive 10,000 volts? It was a lot more than normally came through his guitar. Frankly he was shocked. Stunned and unconscious, only the power of true love could revive the injured Billy.

Back in the van, Strawberry tends to Billy, singing "Strawberry Fields Forever." As she dabs his head, he imagines her in Lucy's guises (the chauffeur, "Lucy in the Sky...", etc.), her tears falling on his face revive him. As he comes to, Dave gets frustrated and kicks the computer.

COMPUTERETTES: Force is not required. Stop! Stop! Stop!...etc.

The computer blows up. Computerettes shut down.

MR. KITE: The boys were really desperate. There was one instrument still missing, and now there was no way to find it. Heartland was in desperate condition. Seething with corruption. B.D. was desperately canceling concerts everywhere. He was losing his cool, his profits, and his hair. Things were really desperate. But Dougie came up with a great idea, a giant benefit. Musical artists from all over would come to Heartland for a concert that would save the town, and Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band would join them. That was bound to get the boys back on the road.

"Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" is sung by the band as they arrive, circus-style, back in Heartland. Strawberry is in tights and tutu on the hood of Mustard's bus, decorated circus style, with the band performing on top. They are accompanied by many performers, and everyone comes out to see this impromptu circus, and to hear of the benefit to come.

[ST: LATER THAT EVENING]...a Caliope plays "When I'm Sixty-Four," Dougie sees B.D. stash the cash from the benefit in city hall, then go to his van to engineer the benefit. Dougie takes Lucy into city hall. "You Never Give Me Your Money" by Dougie and Lucy, starts as they enter the room, and see all the money lying there. During the song, they cavort in the money, pack it up to steal it, then go to hide it in Mustard's van.

EARTH, WIND & FIRE go onstage to perform "Got to Get You Into My Life."

Mustard & the Brute return from L.A. by taxi, and kidnap Strawberry while SPLHCB are watching the show. Mustard takes off, with Strawberry and (unwittingly) Dougie and Lucy in tow. The band notice her missing, take off for the balloon, duck down inside the basket, and emerge as...the SUPER Lonely Hearts Club Band, with bright satin aviator uniforms and all. They take off in the balloon after Mustard.

MR. KITE: Mustard was on his way to FVB Central where the evil genius would supress the magical instruments and make the world safer as corrupt legions.

In the van, Mustard is told by FVB,

FVB: Bring the instruments. Our army is ready.

MR. KITE: It was the end of decency, unless the band could get there in time to stop them

Mustard sings "When I'm Sixty-Four" to a repulsed Strawberry. The computer calls him "Stupid." He and Strawberry then discover the band in hot pursuit.

Mr. Kite: The boys were travelling like the wind, but that was the problem. Heartland's fastest pusuit could not keep up with Musatrd's evil engines.

Computerettes find Dougie and Lucy preparing to jump off the back of the van.

COMPUTERETTES: Mr. Mustard, look what I found. (to Dougie and Lucy) Now you're gonna get it.
(Mustard laughs dastardly)

An iron door with FVB's credo ("WE HATE LOVE...etc") in neon on it, opens to Mustard and the Brute dragging in a gagged and bound Strawberry, Dougie and Lucy. We see a set of oversized stacks of coins, as the opening strains of "Come Together" begin.

Strawberry is then tied to a neon dollar sign at the top of the stacks, and the Future Villain Band [FVB] (AEROSMITH) appear next to her. The FVB is accompanied by an "army" of the same uniformed dancers we saw in "Maxwell's" and "Because."

MR. KITE: They were about to confront the villain in its lair, FVB, the evil force that would poison young minds, pollute the environment, and subvert the democratic process...and worst of all, change Strawberry into a mindless groupie. This was the enemy, FVB, Future Villain Band.

The lyrics start. (Steve Tyler) keeps making lewd motions to Strawberry, who is, as usual, repulsed. SPLHCB appear mid-song, and engage in a fight with FVB. Mark sends (Steve Tyler) over the edge, he dies from the fall. In all the ruckus, Strawberry's dollar sign teeters and falls down the coin-shaped stairs. Billy runs down just in time to see her draw her last breath, dead from the impact.

A funeral bell tolls, we are now back in Heartland, someone in the church tower ringing the bell. The town is back to its original splendor, but is draped in funeral black (banners, ribbons, etc). The scene has Strawberry in a glass casket, the whole town attending her funeral, and Billy singing "Golden Slumbers" to her, from under a torrent of tears. Her mother is also a mess of tears, Mr. Kite weeps, the whole town is heartbroken. B.D. takes care to "look" like he's greiving (he doesn't know what he's doing here - he never knew the girl). The band, with Dougie, are her pallbearers. They carry her down to a horse-drawn carriage, and send her on her way to the tune of "Carry That Weight."

MR. KITE: The instruments we safely back in Heartland, but at what a cost. Was it worth it? Could anything or anyone, make everything alright again in Heartland?

Billy goes off on his own, to sing "The Long and Winding Road", walking through the fields where he and Strawberry used to frolic, and then to her house (where everything is covered in sheets?), up to her room, looking out the window.

Mark sits at the barn with his brothers and sings "A Day in the Life," recounting their rise to fame, reflecting on its cost. At the end crescendo, we see Billy take to the roof of Strawberry's house, and jump off, committing suicide. As all this happens in slow motion, the weather vane on top of city hall begins to spin, eventually turning into a live (afro-american?) version of Sgt. Pepper (BILLY PRESTON), who sings "Get Back."

He points to Billy with a flash, just before Billy hits the ground, and brings him back up to the roof. He then points to Dougie & Lucy, who are running through the town square, and turns them into a nun and a choir boy. He points to Mustard and the Brute, turning them into the same, then into the Pope and a Saint.

He basically points all over town, making everything all better. Last but not least, he brings Strawberry back from the dead, in her funeral white dress, turns the band's funeral black to white Sgt. Pepper uniforms, Billy and Strawberry reunite, then (Billy) throws a final flash at the audience, who is then treated to a star-studded (for 1978) version of the Finale with the cast and friends (see "Our Guests at Heartland" in the Cast & Crew page).

The end credits roll over: "A Day in the Life", "Polythene Pam", "She Came in Through the Bathroom Window", "Sgt. Pepper (Finale - version from Rise to Stardom sequence)"
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