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Some of these maybe offensive to your gender , please anderstand these were sent to me via my e.mail and I did not edit them for content!
> - This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
> ship with Canadian authorities off the coast on Newfoundland in
October 1995.
>
> Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
>
> Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
> collision.
> Americans: Recommend you divert you course 15 degrees to the North to
> avoid a collision.
> Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the
> South to avoid a collision.
> Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR
> course.
> Canadians: No. I say again, divert YOUR course.
> Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
> SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
> DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU
> CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT 'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES
> NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS
> SHIP.
> Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Translation Disintegration
 >
 >Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations.
 >It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into
 >trouble because of language and cultural differences between  translations.
 >For example...
 >
 >Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
 >American ad campaign:  "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
 >
 >The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
 >Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands
 of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or
 >"female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect.  Coke then
 >researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent,
 "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
 >In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the
 Pepsi  >Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from
the
 >dead."
 >
 >Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good"
 >came out as "eat your fingers off."
 >
 >The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got
 >translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so
 >refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
 >
 >When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
 >apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company
 >figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car  the
 Caribe in its Spanish markets.
 >
 >Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped.  The
 company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals".
 Ford
 >pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
 >
 >When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were
 supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."  owever,
the
 >company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass.
 >Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you
 >pregnant."
 >
 >An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
 >which promoted the Pope's visit.  Instead of the desired "I saw the
 Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I saw the Potato."
 >
 >Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a
 tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A
photo
 of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with
 a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
 >
 >Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros
 Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In
 this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on
 sales.
 >
 >Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
 >notorious porno mag.
 >
 >In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
 >Schweppes Toilet Water.
 >
 >Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered
 >English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex
 >tours.  Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company
 >changed its name.


---------------------
Forwarded message:
From:   rafr2@juno.com (Richard  A.  Feingold)
To:     rafr2@juno.com, bandbco@juno.com, Copley@Vermontel.com,
BBFscuba@prodigy.com, rfeingol@hpd.acast.nova.edu, feingold@bellsouth.net,
JimJick@AOL.com, Jfcp@Vermontel.com, RBWF74A@prodigy.com,
Jerrygreenberg@ibm.net, SHewitt109@AOL.com, termen8tr@AOL.com,
Karlsberg@mhv.net, H4Everyone@AOL.com, Bernie@idsi.net, deleis@vassar.edu,
XXWX34B@prodigy.com, Paulin@warwick.net
Date: 97-11-21 19:16:09 EST


>Translation Disintegration
>
>Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations.
>It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into
>trouble because of language and cultural differences between
translations.
>For example...
>
>Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
>American ad campaign:  "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
>
>The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
>Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands
of
>signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or
>"female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect.  Coke then
>researched 40,000 Chinese
>characters and found a close phonetic equivalent,  "ko-kou-ko-le," which
>can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
>
>In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the
Pepsi
>Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the
>dead."
>
>Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good"
>came out as "eat your fingers off."
>
>The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got
>translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so
>refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
>
>When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
>apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company
>figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car  the
Caribe
>in its Spanish markets
>
>.
>
>Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped.  The
company
>found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals".  Ford
>pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
>
>When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed
>to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."  owever, the
>company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass.
>Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you
>pregnant."
>
>An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
>which promoted the Pope's visit.  Instead of the desired "I saw the
Pope"
>in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I saw the Potato."
>
>Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a
tender
>chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo
of
>Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with
a
>caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
>
>Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros
Jos
>before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In
this
>case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on
sales.
>
>Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
>notorious porno mag.
>
>In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
>Schweppes Toilet Water.
>
>Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered
>English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex
>tours.  Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company
>changed its name.
>

WARRANTY CARD ON PURCHASED GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL[tm]

Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official[tm].
With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you
with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential
legislation and other fine services.

Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would
take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information
will
not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in
better
fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]?
Please check all that apply.

__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]?
(Please check all that apply.)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self / allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors /
      targets for future conquest.
__ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic
      groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental
   exploiters / capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase?
(Please check all that apply.)

__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
__ Price.
__ Appearance.
__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
__ Blackmail.
__ Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government Official[tm]? ______

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing
models.

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model:
__ Dead.
__ Senile.
__ Indicted.
__ Convicted.
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time.
Always remember: in choosing a Government Official[tm] you have
chosen the best politician that money can buy.


Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings
from
the
 Louvre.  However, after committing the crime, and getting past
security, he
was
 captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.  When
asked
how
 he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,
he
 replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

   Q:  What's the difference between
      a pitbull terrier and a lady lawyer?
A:  Lipstick?
____________________________________________________________
Snow White, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were having a bad day.
Snow White exclaimed, "You know, I don't think I'm the most beautiful
woman in the world!" At which Tom Thumb chimbed in, "Come to think of
it, I'm not sure if I'm the world's smallest man".
Not feeling left out, Quasimodo sighed, "And I may not be the world's
ugliest person".
Well, they all died on the same day. In heaven, they each had a
meeting with their Maker.
Snow White came out of the meeting beeming to her friends, "It's
okay fellas, I was the most beautiful woman in the world!"
Coming out of the meeting, Tom Thumb bragged to his two friends, "I
really was the world's smallest man!".
After the third meeting, Quasimodo approached his friends scratching
his head, confused. "Who the hell is Yasser Arafat?!"


________________________________________________________________

WOMAN CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

    ELEMENT:             Woman
    SYMBOL:              WO2
    DISCOVERER:       Adam
    ATOMIC MAKE:      Accepted at 110lbs but known to vary from100-500
lbs
    OCCURANCE:        Copious quantities in urban areas
    PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
      1. Surface usually covered with painted film
      2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason
      3. Melts if given special treatment
      4. Bitter if used incorrectly
      5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore

      6. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points
    CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
      1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and precious
stones
      2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
      3. May explode spontaneously without proir warning and for no
known
reason
      4. Insoluble in liquid but activity greatly increased by
saturation
with alcohol
      5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
    COMMON USES:
      1. Highly ornamental, epecially in fast and expensive cars
      2. Can be great aid to relaxation
    TASTES:
      1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
      2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
    HAZARDS:
      1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear
him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage
situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
1